Character Defects

Recently the Universe is teaching me more about my character defects. The defects themselves are not important. What is important is learning to take another step in shedding the delusions we have been fed and so hungrily gorged ourselves. My illusions have continually led me down a path keeping me out of touch with myself, my being and my consciousness. Through the process I have lost precious pieces of me. As time dissolves the chains of life's addictions my spirit becomes free.

It is when we think we become slaves to our Ego's. When we become slaves to our Ego's the manifestations of the lessons of darkness invade the light we are. Through the invasion we begin to have the totality through the dark and light and can become whole again. Without the darkness there is no light, without the light there is no darkness, and without light and dark we do not have the whole.

Self Centered

Every moment of the day I turn around and another lesson is being taught to us. Last week I was informed that I had overdosed and died. Considering we were talking with the person telling us this fact, it came as a surprise to us. My wife was upset that she had missed my memorial.

After some reflection I realized what a sad commentary this is about humanity. If I heard or thought a friend was using I would go to them and ask them directly if they were using and if they were using how could I help them. No one, and I mean no one, contacted me or my wife about the 'overdose and death'.

As addicts we tend to be selfish, self seeking, dishonest and fearful. May we learn from one another to be more loving and compassionate. What reminds me daily is re-membering that our 'primary purpose is to be of maximum service to others'. Being of service means reaching out our hand to the addict or alcoholic who still suffers. Once we get clean and sober the story line is no longer about us. We tend to think that it is and it isn't. The way I know how to stay clean is a day at a time and re-membering each day to be of service to others and not my own ego. I remain grateful for all the lessons we teach each other daily. My prayer is that we learn from this and move forward helping one another and letting go of who we think we are.

As a planet we are addicted, especially in Western culture. Things are externalized and we are told that if we have them we will feel better. There is always the next best thing and in technology anything you purchase is immediately out of date the minute you buy it. What appears to be difficult for people is to re-member we are spiritual beings having a human experience.

Stepping back and increasing our awareness of the separation of mind, body and spirit is essential. We get to practice listening to our spirit; our awareness beyond our mind and body. We have knowledge within us that we do not listen to and when we do listen we move beyond the confines of the 'virtual world' where we have these human experiences. When you move beyond the virtual world of externalized gratification the wholeness and awareness of there is more sets you free from the confines of the three dimensional space we 'think' we inhabit.

Fame

I have known movie stars, television stars and professional athletes. I usually met them after the roar of the crowd was only and echo in their minds. All of them had been at the top of their game good at their profession. They still had talent and skills, however their disease of addiction didn't care who they thought they were. The disease kept telling them it would take away the pain of the loss and in their addiction they kept co-signing the contract with their disease.

One individual, like many, could not stop did not want to stop. No matter how many rehabs he had been through he would always go back to his lover alcohol. The sad part, the part that teaches us is that his disease killed him. It does not matter how, that will not bring him back. It has been 12 years since my friend died. I still think of him daily. I still learn from him.

What we don't see are the ripples our disease causes the people who love us. When we are using we do not care. We had an individual overdose and die in our sober living house. His death was a painful experience. What was more painful were is parents, brother and grandmother coming the next day to pickup his stuff. Their pain was overwhelming.

We don't think about that.

Love and Compassion

I watched the memorial of Jessica Joy Rees who passed away from cancer at age 12. What a gift she is to us teaching love and compassion for all people. What I think of is how no matter what, as long as a person makes it back to recovery, we are not to judge. It is gift to ourselves and to them to love them no matter what. Unconditional love means just that. I will love and accept you just the way you are, not how 'I want you to be' not how 'I think you should be'; how you are at this moment. Our Ego's get in the way and out of the fear we create we push people away. The problem with the push is it may be the one the person uses to push themselves over the edge and they may not make it back. The whole time this beautiful child of God was fighting for her life, she did not whine or feel sorry for herself. She worked on being of service to others. If only the world could listen to her message and learn.

One More Time

I was 45 when I hit bottom. I will never forget my last day using. I went to a meeting loaded, knowing that after the meeting I would get loaded again. After the meeting I went to my connect and initially begged him for a hit. When he said he wouldn't give me one because I was trying  to 'get clean' I told him if he didn't give me one I would kill him (True insanity). He gave me a glass pipe the size of my fist and I smoked it all. If it wasn't for my HP I would have died from the hit, there was enough speed in it to kill a horse. What I remember from the day is how ashamed I felt over what I had become. I never want to feel ashamed again.

I saw a fellow addicted this morning whom I have know for approximately 8 years. He is still out there. He is on probation, one more time. He has lost most of his teeth and he looks like death warmed over. I shared with him that he reminds me of myself and just maybe he is getting too old for the game. The longer we run after the dragon the faster the dragon gets. You will never catch the dragon, the chase will kill you though.