Selfish

I am continually being taught by the Universe where we can be in a heart beat should we decide to pick up again. I know two individuals who have been diagnosed with liver disease and stopped drinking for a minute. Only a minute though because they were 'cured' and decided they can do 'one more' which is the lie our disease tells us. I watch as individuals still in active addiction and or in a dry drunk only think about themselves and how life and life's problems are 'all about them'.

They are a gift to us. What I work on is loving them as a child of God and as a human being ask them to stay away from me. I pray for them and set boundaries. When our disease grabs hold of us we become powerless one more time. It is only in the acceptance of being powerless, surrendering to being powerless that we can take our first step into recovery. We tell ourselves it is not an easy step, yet compared to spiraling out of control it is a far easier option.  

Drama

The more I watch the news, read about the news I am convinced we are a planet addicted to drama. I am stunned when people react with 'righteous indignation' over Secret Service agents partying with alcohol, drugs and prostitutes as if that has never happened before. Then there is Walmart paying bribes in Mexico, never happened before has it. Right. And last but not least the rise of Heroin use by solders in Afghanistan.What planet are people living on and when do they stop pretending that this hasn't happened before and is still happening now. People in the military have been using drugs and alcohol forever. I am positive this is not the first time Secret Service Agents have had a party and my guess is brides are not going to stop happening anytime, including Mexico, in the near future. The denial that this is happening is the denial that our government does not use torture or has assassins. Yet we as a people are 'appalled' when we read another news article where it has happened one more time. The sad part is it sells the news and we keep buying it because like the junkie we can't get enough.

Part of the solution is in taking the first step and admitting we are powerless over the news, other people and things and that the more we buy into it the more our life's become unmanageable. Somehow people forget that if not for the grace of the universe it could be you or I in the position of drama. Healing comes from forgiveness and learning to keep our side of the street clean. We set the boundary that states 'I will love you as a child of God and your behavior is not alright with me'. We then, to the best of our ability practice everyday keeping our side of the street clean.

Early Recovery

One of the things I remember about my early recovery is being told not to forget what it was like detoxing. At the time I was so messed up I did not know you could go to detox let alone treatment. The reality at the time was I had burned so many bridges, that even if I had known, no one would have offered to help. Many days coming off of speed felt like worms were crawling under my skin. My addict brain was telling me to rip off my skin and or use to get rid of the worms. What I did was hold on to my tail feathers, went to meetings, called my sponsor, worked the steps and talked to other addicts. The sober living I was in at the time was not the best or the worse. What I remember is how grateful I was to have a roof over my head, a bathroom and a bed. There were many people around me still using and relapsing almost daily. I didn't care because I was blessed with the desire to stay clean and sober.

It has been a long path since those days. I never forget them or forget I can be back there in a heart beat should I decide to do it my way again. I remember daily that my way didn't work and my way took everything from me. The most important thing taken from me was myself. What is beautiful is as long as I don't pickup again I don't have to lose me ever again, just today. All the things I did in my early recovery to stay clean and sober I still do today.

I have been to hell, lived in hell and if I do not pickup again I don't have to go back.

Thinking

We have a disease of perception. Our thinking does not work like 'normal' people. True insanity is attempting to have a rational conversation with an addict while in active addiction whether they are using or not. Through the years of being clean and sober I have watched in amazement as my disease progresses. My first sponsor told me it would, I did not understand at the time, now I do understand. My experience has taught me to talk with another addict and or my sponsor if I have an idea. A few years back I was on the Beltway around Washington D.C. My thinking at the time, I was angry, told me to leave the rental car in the bumper to bumper traffic and to climb up the hill, find the nearest bar, get a scotch and find a connect. My, I haven't had a drink or used a drug today, sane side told me to call my sponsor and another addict. When I called them WE decide I was crazed at the time. I listened to them and drove on to my sons house in Philadelphia.

What continues to amaze me is my thinking has progressed way beyond where it was when I first got clean. When I first got clean I was always ready to go to battle, now my thinking is not only go to battle let's make Sherman's march to the sea look amateur. What is great is I can laugh at my self today and pick up the phone, say a prayer and or go to a meeting. The point in all of this is our disease never ever goes away. It is a gift to remind us daily we are not cured, only recovered for the day.

Ripples

We were reminded this morning, through an Email, of the ripple effects caused by our addiction. Approximately 4 years ago a girl who had come through our program came to see us with her 10 month old son. She was doing great, staying clean and sober, going to meetings, had a sponsor, had a job, a place to live and was going to school. She was happy and had a beautiful smile on her face. That was the last time we saw her. She returned to her home state and proceeded to hook up with her old drug dealer/boyfriend. She overdosed and died in the hospital a few days after returning home.

Her mother sent us pictures of her son who is now 4. He doesn't know that his grandparents are not his mom and dad or that his mother died of an overdose. His grandparents will tell him when he is old enough to understand, although I am sure at some level he already understands but does not have the words to express his loss.

As addicts we never think about the consequences of our actions. We do not step back and look at how many ripples will spread out across the pond when we drop the stone of an overdose into the pond. The ripples go on forever and remind us all where we can be in a heart beat. I am grateful for the lesson being taught of where we can all be should we make the decision to take 'just' one.

Insanity

I am constantly amazed at the insanity of our disease. The program of Alcoholics Anonymous states that insanity is 'doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results' which is what we do when we are drinking and using. There appears to be another level of insanity which manifests when we are not drinking and using yet are in the depths of a 'dry drunk' (DD). When we are in a DD we might as well  be using because we still are lying, cheating and stealing from ourselves. We are also still into our selfish, self seeking dishonest behavior. I have watched a friend end up in the hospital one more time, get out of the hospital and now one more time is more focused on a love object outside of himself than on his recovery. We have watched him do this over and over again with the same result he starts drinking, gets kicked out of a sober living and ends up back in the hospital.

I am saddened by this and grateful for the gift. He teaches where we all can be in a heart beat. The insanity is we may know all of this and will still think "it won't happen to me'. The level of insanity and the power of our disease is stunning.

Make it possible today and get out of yourself. Reach out your hand to a new comer or and old timer. Re-member we all have today. There are no guarantees we will have tomorrow especially if we pickup one more time.

Thinking

Over time I have become more grateful for the addicts and alcoholics who relapse and the lessons they teach me. They remind me where we can be in a heart beat should we make the decision to pick up again. When we are using we do not want to take responsibility for anything including our self. Our minds at the time blame everyone else for the problems we are having. It is never on us. We get to see this with people in early recovery who are still locked in to they way we think when we are using. We want to do it our way because we 'know' we are 'right'. What I have learned is to practice daily and not make any assumptions of being cured. I laugh out loud when I see the commercial for the 'cure'. The way my mind works is the thought of the cure. If I can be cured then that must mean I can drink and use again. Fortunately, having practiced non-thinking, my awareness laughs at my insanity at such a thought.

My diseased thinking has progressed over the years of being clean and sober. The difference today is all of the tools available to me, well worn over the years, to use to keep me out of my head. The number one tool is prayer, it is difficult to have any thoughts, especially ones leading to my down fall, when you are praying. My sponsor always told me to call him if 'I' have a good idea and if 'I' have a great idea to call 3 other addicts and alcoholics.

Through the maze of recovery is one hard core basic tenet which is the only requirement for membership is a 'desire' to stop drinking and or using. Without the desire and the willingness to do 'what every it takes' we are lost. You do not have to want recovery, you 'get to' have recovery.