Desire

I have watched in the last three days friends make the decision to change their life. It takes much courage to raise your hand and admit you are and alcoholic and or an addict. Anyone can continue to use and pretend they do not have a problem. One of the lies I told myself was 'Get up, go to work and work all day, I have earned this drink or line'. The first person we lie to is our self. Once we have lied to our self it is easy to lie to everyone else. I watch as family members are stunned when there is a relapse or reuse. The disease of addiction never ever quits. My one friend had his life back, the good job, the car and the apartment and most important his connection with his Higher Power (HP). He has lost everything. What he has lost the most is himself. What people don't get, don't have to get is the thinking of the alcoholic. My friend has early stages of Cirrhosis of the liver. A 'normal' person would say 'I can't drink any more'. The alcoholic/addict says 'It won't happen to me'.  It is insane thinking which is what we become when we are drinking or using.

There are no simple answers, yet all of the answers are simple. I am always amused when doctors say they have a pill for addiction. Again 'normal' people would take the pill and be done. The addict would say 'can I have two'? We all get to practice everyday being real. The person we get to be real with first is our HP and our self. It is only when we have done this we take the first step of surrender and recovery. The simple answer each day is 'no matter what don't pick up, just today.'

One more time.

We have a friend, who once more is on the streets today. He was thrown out of his sober living because he came home drunk. He would get a motel room except he blew all of his money playing pool and drinking all night. He doesn't get his unemployment money until Tuesday, however he lost his bank card so he won't be able to access his money right away.

What is sad is the disease has him hard. He is doing what we all do when we are using, which is the blame game. It is 'everyone else who is at fault' they caused the problem and we take no ownership or responsibility for our actions. When we are drinking and using we burn all of our bridges without a care. Eventually, if we are lucky, we come out of our daze and realize we have made Sherman's march to the sea look amateur.

I am grateful for my friend. He teaches us where we can be in a heart beat. It takes a nano-second to destroy our connection with our Higher Power(HP) Many people have tried 'One more time' and if they made it back they tell me they lost their connection with their HP instantly. My prayer for our friend is he makes it back. I have been clean and sober for some time now. At the same time I am clean and sober just today. I have watched too many people do just 'One more' and they are no longer with us.

Left Right Left

Through the grace of my Higher Power (HP) I am still clean and sober today. What I have done to achieve the goal of a day at a time without using is follow the advice of the people who came before me and my three sponsors. Over time I have watched as my disease grows stronger. What gets me through, when my disease shows up, is using the tools, given to me, on a daily basis. Translation is I do the foot work, left right left. I was taught that I get to put the gas in my care and drive it. My HP will show me where to go, not drive the car. I start my day with the first three steps and through out the day do steps 10, 11 and 12. From the beginning I was shown to call other addicts and alcoholics in the program. I was taught to call my sponsor if 'I' have a 'good' idea and if 'I' have a 'great' idea I need to call three other addicts/alcoholics. Usually when I call my sponsor and three other addicts/alcoholics WE decide my 'great' idea is nuts.

I have seen too many people who say they want to get clean and sober. The problem is they are doing it for all of the wrong reasons, their spouse/significant other, their children, their parents, their boss any one else but their self. Unless you are doing it for you don't do it. You get to want to get clean and sober for you. You are entitled to have a life and change how you are living. Today I have far less 'stuff' and no longer think I am important. What I do have is far more precious, I have me today and my connection with my HP which is priceless and brings me more happiness than when I was drinking and using. What I get today is no longer feeling ashamed of who I had become. As long as I do the foot work, left right left, then I never have to feel ashamed, just today.