Full Blown Addiction

The Universe brought me the opportunity to see our addiction up close and personal this weekend. We were awakened on Saturday morning to a now lost-friend in our yard screaming for his dog. A dog that had we not taken her in would still be in the San Clemente Animal Shelter and or with a foster family. He was drunk and proceeded to make violent threats towards me and my wife.

We were placed in the position of having a violent confrontation with a drunk, who refused to leave our property and or call the police and have him removed. I called the police and had him removed. We did not press charges so he was just escorted off of the property.

What I felt the whole time he was in his rage with me was sadness. I could feel his pain and was saddened by the fact that one more time the disease is winning. This person has stage one liver disease and other physical ailments that if he continues to drink will kill him. If you want to drink and kill yourself go for it. At the same time drunk or not drunk you get to be responsible for your behavior. We have helped this friend for many years and taken care of his dog for the past year at no cost to him. He was able to come and play with her, take her for walks and spend time with her.

I am not surprised by his behavior. None of us is pretty when we are using. However once you cross the line with me we are done. I will love you as a child of God and as a human being stay away. I will pray for our lost-friend.

Selfish

I am continually being taught by the Universe where we can be in a heart beat should we decide to pick up again. I know two individuals who have been diagnosed with liver disease and stopped drinking for a minute. Only a minute though because they were 'cured' and decided they can do 'one more' which is the lie our disease tells us. I watch as individuals still in active addiction and or in a dry drunk only think about themselves and how life and life's problems are 'all about them'.

They are a gift to us. What I work on is loving them as a child of God and as a human being ask them to stay away from me. I pray for them and set boundaries. When our disease grabs hold of us we become powerless one more time. It is only in the acceptance of being powerless, surrendering to being powerless that we can take our first step into recovery. We tell ourselves it is not an easy step, yet compared to spiraling out of control it is a far easier option.  

Drama

The more I watch the news, read about the news I am convinced we are a planet addicted to drama. I am stunned when people react with 'righteous indignation' over Secret Service agents partying with alcohol, drugs and prostitutes as if that has never happened before. Then there is Walmart paying bribes in Mexico, never happened before has it. Right. And last but not least the rise of Heroin use by solders in Afghanistan.What planet are people living on and when do they stop pretending that this hasn't happened before and is still happening now. People in the military have been using drugs and alcohol forever. I am positive this is not the first time Secret Service Agents have had a party and my guess is brides are not going to stop happening anytime, including Mexico, in the near future. The denial that this is happening is the denial that our government does not use torture or has assassins. Yet we as a people are 'appalled' when we read another news article where it has happened one more time. The sad part is it sells the news and we keep buying it because like the junkie we can't get enough.

Part of the solution is in taking the first step and admitting we are powerless over the news, other people and things and that the more we buy into it the more our life's become unmanageable. Somehow people forget that if not for the grace of the universe it could be you or I in the position of drama. Healing comes from forgiveness and learning to keep our side of the street clean. We set the boundary that states 'I will love you as a child of God and your behavior is not alright with me'. We then, to the best of our ability practice everyday keeping our side of the street clean.

Early Recovery

One of the things I remember about my early recovery is being told not to forget what it was like detoxing. At the time I was so messed up I did not know you could go to detox let alone treatment. The reality at the time was I had burned so many bridges, that even if I had known, no one would have offered to help. Many days coming off of speed felt like worms were crawling under my skin. My addict brain was telling me to rip off my skin and or use to get rid of the worms. What I did was hold on to my tail feathers, went to meetings, called my sponsor, worked the steps and talked to other addicts. The sober living I was in at the time was not the best or the worse. What I remember is how grateful I was to have a roof over my head, a bathroom and a bed. There were many people around me still using and relapsing almost daily. I didn't care because I was blessed with the desire to stay clean and sober.

It has been a long path since those days. I never forget them or forget I can be back there in a heart beat should I decide to do it my way again. I remember daily that my way didn't work and my way took everything from me. The most important thing taken from me was myself. What is beautiful is as long as I don't pickup again I don't have to lose me ever again, just today. All the things I did in my early recovery to stay clean and sober I still do today.

I have been to hell, lived in hell and if I do not pickup again I don't have to go back.

Thinking

We have a disease of perception. Our thinking does not work like 'normal' people. True insanity is attempting to have a rational conversation with an addict while in active addiction whether they are using or not. Through the years of being clean and sober I have watched in amazement as my disease progresses. My first sponsor told me it would, I did not understand at the time, now I do understand. My experience has taught me to talk with another addict and or my sponsor if I have an idea. A few years back I was on the Beltway around Washington D.C. My thinking at the time, I was angry, told me to leave the rental car in the bumper to bumper traffic and to climb up the hill, find the nearest bar, get a scotch and find a connect. My, I haven't had a drink or used a drug today, sane side told me to call my sponsor and another addict. When I called them WE decide I was crazed at the time. I listened to them and drove on to my sons house in Philadelphia.

What continues to amaze me is my thinking has progressed way beyond where it was when I first got clean. When I first got clean I was always ready to go to battle, now my thinking is not only go to battle let's make Sherman's march to the sea look amateur. What is great is I can laugh at my self today and pick up the phone, say a prayer and or go to a meeting. The point in all of this is our disease never ever goes away. It is a gift to remind us daily we are not cured, only recovered for the day.

Ripples

We were reminded this morning, through an Email, of the ripple effects caused by our addiction. Approximately 4 years ago a girl who had come through our program came to see us with her 10 month old son. She was doing great, staying clean and sober, going to meetings, had a sponsor, had a job, a place to live and was going to school. She was happy and had a beautiful smile on her face. That was the last time we saw her. She returned to her home state and proceeded to hook up with her old drug dealer/boyfriend. She overdosed and died in the hospital a few days after returning home.

Her mother sent us pictures of her son who is now 4. He doesn't know that his grandparents are not his mom and dad or that his mother died of an overdose. His grandparents will tell him when he is old enough to understand, although I am sure at some level he already understands but does not have the words to express his loss.

As addicts we never think about the consequences of our actions. We do not step back and look at how many ripples will spread out across the pond when we drop the stone of an overdose into the pond. The ripples go on forever and remind us all where we can be in a heart beat. I am grateful for the lesson being taught of where we can all be should we make the decision to take 'just' one.

Insanity

I am constantly amazed at the insanity of our disease. The program of Alcoholics Anonymous states that insanity is 'doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results' which is what we do when we are drinking and using. There appears to be another level of insanity which manifests when we are not drinking and using yet are in the depths of a 'dry drunk' (DD). When we are in a DD we might as well  be using because we still are lying, cheating and stealing from ourselves. We are also still into our selfish, self seeking dishonest behavior. I have watched a friend end up in the hospital one more time, get out of the hospital and now one more time is more focused on a love object outside of himself than on his recovery. We have watched him do this over and over again with the same result he starts drinking, gets kicked out of a sober living and ends up back in the hospital.

I am saddened by this and grateful for the gift. He teaches where we all can be in a heart beat. The insanity is we may know all of this and will still think "it won't happen to me'. The level of insanity and the power of our disease is stunning.

Make it possible today and get out of yourself. Reach out your hand to a new comer or and old timer. Re-member we all have today. There are no guarantees we will have tomorrow especially if we pickup one more time.

Thinking

Over time I have become more grateful for the addicts and alcoholics who relapse and the lessons they teach me. They remind me where we can be in a heart beat should we make the decision to pick up again. When we are using we do not want to take responsibility for anything including our self. Our minds at the time blame everyone else for the problems we are having. It is never on us. We get to see this with people in early recovery who are still locked in to they way we think when we are using. We want to do it our way because we 'know' we are 'right'. What I have learned is to practice daily and not make any assumptions of being cured. I laugh out loud when I see the commercial for the 'cure'. The way my mind works is the thought of the cure. If I can be cured then that must mean I can drink and use again. Fortunately, having practiced non-thinking, my awareness laughs at my insanity at such a thought.

My diseased thinking has progressed over the years of being clean and sober. The difference today is all of the tools available to me, well worn over the years, to use to keep me out of my head. The number one tool is prayer, it is difficult to have any thoughts, especially ones leading to my down fall, when you are praying. My sponsor always told me to call him if 'I' have a good idea and if 'I' have a great idea to call 3 other addicts and alcoholics.

Through the maze of recovery is one hard core basic tenet which is the only requirement for membership is a 'desire' to stop drinking and or using. Without the desire and the willingness to do 'what every it takes' we are lost. You do not have to want recovery, you 'get to' have recovery.

Desire

I have watched in the last three days friends make the decision to change their life. It takes much courage to raise your hand and admit you are and alcoholic and or an addict. Anyone can continue to use and pretend they do not have a problem. One of the lies I told myself was 'Get up, go to work and work all day, I have earned this drink or line'. The first person we lie to is our self. Once we have lied to our self it is easy to lie to everyone else. I watch as family members are stunned when there is a relapse or reuse. The disease of addiction never ever quits. My one friend had his life back, the good job, the car and the apartment and most important his connection with his Higher Power (HP). He has lost everything. What he has lost the most is himself. What people don't get, don't have to get is the thinking of the alcoholic. My friend has early stages of Cirrhosis of the liver. A 'normal' person would say 'I can't drink any more'. The alcoholic/addict says 'It won't happen to me'.  It is insane thinking which is what we become when we are drinking or using.

There are no simple answers, yet all of the answers are simple. I am always amused when doctors say they have a pill for addiction. Again 'normal' people would take the pill and be done. The addict would say 'can I have two'? We all get to practice everyday being real. The person we get to be real with first is our HP and our self. It is only when we have done this we take the first step of surrender and recovery. The simple answer each day is 'no matter what don't pick up, just today.'

One more time.

We have a friend, who once more is on the streets today. He was thrown out of his sober living because he came home drunk. He would get a motel room except he blew all of his money playing pool and drinking all night. He doesn't get his unemployment money until Tuesday, however he lost his bank card so he won't be able to access his money right away.

What is sad is the disease has him hard. He is doing what we all do when we are using, which is the blame game. It is 'everyone else who is at fault' they caused the problem and we take no ownership or responsibility for our actions. When we are drinking and using we burn all of our bridges without a care. Eventually, if we are lucky, we come out of our daze and realize we have made Sherman's march to the sea look amateur.

I am grateful for my friend. He teaches us where we can be in a heart beat. It takes a nano-second to destroy our connection with our Higher Power(HP) Many people have tried 'One more time' and if they made it back they tell me they lost their connection with their HP instantly. My prayer for our friend is he makes it back. I have been clean and sober for some time now. At the same time I am clean and sober just today. I have watched too many people do just 'One more' and they are no longer with us.

Left Right Left

Through the grace of my Higher Power (HP) I am still clean and sober today. What I have done to achieve the goal of a day at a time without using is follow the advice of the people who came before me and my three sponsors. Over time I have watched as my disease grows stronger. What gets me through, when my disease shows up, is using the tools, given to me, on a daily basis. Translation is I do the foot work, left right left. I was taught that I get to put the gas in my care and drive it. My HP will show me where to go, not drive the car. I start my day with the first three steps and through out the day do steps 10, 11 and 12. From the beginning I was shown to call other addicts and alcoholics in the program. I was taught to call my sponsor if 'I' have a 'good' idea and if 'I' have a 'great' idea I need to call three other addicts/alcoholics. Usually when I call my sponsor and three other addicts/alcoholics WE decide my 'great' idea is nuts.

I have seen too many people who say they want to get clean and sober. The problem is they are doing it for all of the wrong reasons, their spouse/significant other, their children, their parents, their boss any one else but their self. Unless you are doing it for you don't do it. You get to want to get clean and sober for you. You are entitled to have a life and change how you are living. Today I have far less 'stuff' and no longer think I am important. What I do have is far more precious, I have me today and my connection with my HP which is priceless and brings me more happiness than when I was drinking and using. What I get today is no longer feeling ashamed of who I had become. As long as I do the foot work, left right left, then I never have to feel ashamed, just today.

Discrimination

They have not issued the toxicology report for Whitney Houston. It really doesn't matter. She is no longer with us. As I read today she is a star and the disease does not care. I have worked with millionaires, professional athletes and movie stars. The disease in each case did not care who the person was. The disease killed them. Every person who dies from the disease of addiction, no matter what the form, teaches us. They teach us that using does not get any better out there. They teach that if we keep using we can end up dead just like them. 

I think daily of my first two sponsors, Michael and Paul. Paul was diagnosed with stomach cancer and from diagnosis to death was 90 days. He held meetings at his house until the last two weeks of his life. Two weeks before he died he took a new comer through the fourth step. Michael died six months after Paul. He reached out to others until the day he died. By the time he had died he had given away most of what he 'owned'. My daily prayer is that I can be like these two men. They always gave selfishly to others. They never asked for anything in return.

When we are using it is all about us. Our self-centered, egotistical being is what keeps us in our addiction. We externalized and blame the world. We do this while we take and take from everyone and everything around us. They say in meetings that if we continue to use we will meet one of three destinations, death, jails or institutions.

Please learn from all who have died from this disease. Re-member we are all teachers and we are all students.

Don't you know who I'am not

It appears that another star among us may or may not have overdosed. Ultimately it does not matter. What matters is the person is no longer with us. She has the disease of addiction. What is important is the disease is non-discriminatory. It does not care who you think you are, how famous you may or may not be, what the color of your skin is, what religion you are or how rich or poor you are. The disease has one goal and one goal only and that is to kill you. The disease will go to any lengths, tell any lie, or cheat you in order to reach the death goal. Our problem is us we tell ourselves ' I can do it one more time', 'I'm not an addict', 'it won't happen to me.' The sad commentary is the lies we tell ourselves is what robs and cheats us out of life.

We had a young man overdose and die in out sober living house. He had everything going for him. His family was behind him, he had a sponsor, was going to meetings, had a job and was about to turn pro as a mixed martial arts fighter. The hardest part of the whole process was the 'rip out my heart, cut off a piece, cook it up and eat it in front of me' moment when his parents, grandmother and brother came the next day to gather his belongs.

We always forget or pretend to forget the ripples of our using. The ripples of all the people who are affected by our using and all the people who will be affected should we overdose and die. The above mentioned case has not the ripples of not just affecting the family it has reached out and touched humanity. My prayer today is that we listen to what we are being taught.

Character Defects

Recently the Universe is teaching me more about my character defects. The defects themselves are not important. What is important is learning to take another step in shedding the delusions we have been fed and so hungrily gorged ourselves. My illusions have continually led me down a path keeping me out of touch with myself, my being and my consciousness. Through the process I have lost precious pieces of me. As time dissolves the chains of life's addictions my spirit becomes free.

It is when we think we become slaves to our Ego's. When we become slaves to our Ego's the manifestations of the lessons of darkness invade the light we are. Through the invasion we begin to have the totality through the dark and light and can become whole again. Without the darkness there is no light, without the light there is no darkness, and without light and dark we do not have the whole.

Self Centered

Every moment of the day I turn around and another lesson is being taught to us. Last week I was informed that I had overdosed and died. Considering we were talking with the person telling us this fact, it came as a surprise to us. My wife was upset that she had missed my memorial.

After some reflection I realized what a sad commentary this is about humanity. If I heard or thought a friend was using I would go to them and ask them directly if they were using and if they were using how could I help them. No one, and I mean no one, contacted me or my wife about the 'overdose and death'.

As addicts we tend to be selfish, self seeking, dishonest and fearful. May we learn from one another to be more loving and compassionate. What reminds me daily is re-membering that our 'primary purpose is to be of maximum service to others'. Being of service means reaching out our hand to the addict or alcoholic who still suffers. Once we get clean and sober the story line is no longer about us. We tend to think that it is and it isn't. The way I know how to stay clean is a day at a time and re-membering each day to be of service to others and not my own ego. I remain grateful for all the lessons we teach each other daily. My prayer is that we learn from this and move forward helping one another and letting go of who we think we are.

As a planet we are addicted, especially in Western culture. Things are externalized and we are told that if we have them we will feel better. There is always the next best thing and in technology anything you purchase is immediately out of date the minute you buy it. What appears to be difficult for people is to re-member we are spiritual beings having a human experience.

Stepping back and increasing our awareness of the separation of mind, body and spirit is essential. We get to practice listening to our spirit; our awareness beyond our mind and body. We have knowledge within us that we do not listen to and when we do listen we move beyond the confines of the 'virtual world' where we have these human experiences. When you move beyond the virtual world of externalized gratification the wholeness and awareness of there is more sets you free from the confines of the three dimensional space we 'think' we inhabit.

Fame

I have known movie stars, television stars and professional athletes. I usually met them after the roar of the crowd was only and echo in their minds. All of them had been at the top of their game good at their profession. They still had talent and skills, however their disease of addiction didn't care who they thought they were. The disease kept telling them it would take away the pain of the loss and in their addiction they kept co-signing the contract with their disease.

One individual, like many, could not stop did not want to stop. No matter how many rehabs he had been through he would always go back to his lover alcohol. The sad part, the part that teaches us is that his disease killed him. It does not matter how, that will not bring him back. It has been 12 years since my friend died. I still think of him daily. I still learn from him.

What we don't see are the ripples our disease causes the people who love us. When we are using we do not care. We had an individual overdose and die in our sober living house. His death was a painful experience. What was more painful were is parents, brother and grandmother coming the next day to pickup his stuff. Their pain was overwhelming.

We don't think about that.

Love and Compassion

I watched the memorial of Jessica Joy Rees who passed away from cancer at age 12. What a gift she is to us teaching love and compassion for all people. What I think of is how no matter what, as long as a person makes it back to recovery, we are not to judge. It is gift to ourselves and to them to love them no matter what. Unconditional love means just that. I will love and accept you just the way you are, not how 'I want you to be' not how 'I think you should be'; how you are at this moment. Our Ego's get in the way and out of the fear we create we push people away. The problem with the push is it may be the one the person uses to push themselves over the edge and they may not make it back. The whole time this beautiful child of God was fighting for her life, she did not whine or feel sorry for herself. She worked on being of service to others. If only the world could listen to her message and learn.

One More Time

I was 45 when I hit bottom. I will never forget my last day using. I went to a meeting loaded, knowing that after the meeting I would get loaded again. After the meeting I went to my connect and initially begged him for a hit. When he said he wouldn't give me one because I was trying  to 'get clean' I told him if he didn't give me one I would kill him (True insanity). He gave me a glass pipe the size of my fist and I smoked it all. If it wasn't for my HP I would have died from the hit, there was enough speed in it to kill a horse. What I remember from the day is how ashamed I felt over what I had become. I never want to feel ashamed again.

I saw a fellow addicted this morning whom I have know for approximately 8 years. He is still out there. He is on probation, one more time. He has lost most of his teeth and he looks like death warmed over. I shared with him that he reminds me of myself and just maybe he is getting too old for the game. The longer we run after the dragon the faster the dragon gets. You will never catch the dragon, the chase will kill you though.