When we pay attention to the reality of addiction we learn lessons daily. This past week in I ran into a fellow addicted who at 10AM was unable to stay awake while I was talking to him. Later in the day he was taken by ambulance to San Clemente Hospital. The sad commentary is he needs medically managed detox and getting medically managed detox when you are homeless is quite difficult. You can get hard core come off the booze or drugs detox without medication and if you have a seizure you will be taken to the hospital, only if you have a seizure. The sad part is we can get this person medical detox yet he is not ready to stop drinking. He does not want to get sober.
This morning I ran in to a neighbor who told me about the 'good' time he had last night only he can't remember what he did or who he did it with last night. This is the same neighbor I saw two weeks ago at 8AM all ready drunk and heading back to the bar.
I am grateful for these gentlemen for they teach me where I can be in a heart beat should my ego decide I can drink and use again. Our disease never quits. What I hear all of the time and heard again last Friday is 'I thought I could control' my using. My question is always 'why would you want to control your using'. If we are going to use, lets not pretend, let's use. What is beautiful is as long as we don't pickup today we don't have to go there.
The longer I am clean and sober, the worse my disease becomes. What is different today is I have the tools of recovery. When my disease shows up I call my sponsor. If I have a good idea I call another addict. If I have a great idea I call 3 other addicts. When WE discuss my idea or my great idea We decide I am 'nuts' and we can let go of the idea. I've learned to pray, take my disease to a meeting, to work the steps when my disease shows up and to call another addict and or write about my disease. All of these tools take the power out of the disease. We need to take the power out of our disease because we are powerless over our disease.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Family
I have worked a long time in the field of addiction. The lessons I learn from families are invaluable. They teach me, like the addict, how strong the disease of addiction is. They have become hooked on the drama of rescuer. We all sometimes get the delusion we can some how save the addict from themselves, if we just get them back into treatment just one more time they will be saved. What I experience is families working harder for their family member then the family member is working. Families somehow think their family member is incapable of helping themselves, until you remind them of the fact, if their family member wanted drugs no matter what they would find them. The fact being, the addict could be strung out, with no transportation and they would find a way to get drugs.
All too often I have watch people get clean when the family finally said no to them. When the family finally said go to the Salvation Army and call me when you get 6 months clean. As long as the family is willing to rescue the addict the cycle of addiction will continue.
What we do when we help one another is teaching the lesson of no. Teaching that no is a complete sentence. When we learn to set boundaries with the addict then the game and our part of the cycle are over. People tell me it is difficult to say no and I say to them it is more difficult to go to a funeral.
We teach one another to change the dream. Change the dream of your family member being out there in their addiction. Change the dream of you fantasy as savior and surrender to keeping your self centered and ready when your family member reaches out to you.
All too often I have watch people get clean when the family finally said no to them. When the family finally said go to the Salvation Army and call me when you get 6 months clean. As long as the family is willing to rescue the addict the cycle of addiction will continue.
What we do when we help one another is teaching the lesson of no. Teaching that no is a complete sentence. When we learn to set boundaries with the addict then the game and our part of the cycle are over. People tell me it is difficult to say no and I say to them it is more difficult to go to a funeral.
We teach one another to change the dream. Change the dream of your family member being out there in their addiction. Change the dream of you fantasy as savior and surrender to keeping your self centered and ready when your family member reaches out to you.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Mortality
The pain the disease causes is a ripple not affecting the addict; it is their family and friends. My brother passed away recently just after my visit with him. When I first was clean and sober, he had four years sober and then started to drink again so his wife at the time would not have to drink alone. These are one of the millions of excuses we make daily if we want to go back to denial and start using again. My brother had multiple operations before he died and was placed on Oxycontin. He mixed this with alcohol a nice combination.
Ever day I mourn his loss. He had two bronze stars and was buried with full military honors. I did fine during the ceremony until they played taps. The Universe has allowed me to live and gather some time clean and sober. I am grateful for the gift. At the same time I have heard hundreds of excuses as to why the individual chose one more time to use. The Ego's defiance in its disease is 'It won't happen to me' attitude. Way too many times have we received the 2AM call telling us once more another addict didn't make it back from 'One more time'. I am powerless over all those who choose to pick-up again. What we can do is continue to keep the seat warm and not use just today.
I have seen the devastation of the parents after the fact. Their pain rips your heart out. We never think about any one noticing we are gone. One more lie we tell ourselves. My ego wants to scream, my path teaches me to surrender and accept the Plan is perfect.
Ever day I mourn his loss. He had two bronze stars and was buried with full military honors. I did fine during the ceremony until they played taps. The Universe has allowed me to live and gather some time clean and sober. I am grateful for the gift. At the same time I have heard hundreds of excuses as to why the individual chose one more time to use. The Ego's defiance in its disease is 'It won't happen to me' attitude. Way too many times have we received the 2AM call telling us once more another addict didn't make it back from 'One more time'. I am powerless over all those who choose to pick-up again. What we can do is continue to keep the seat warm and not use just today.
I have seen the devastation of the parents after the fact. Their pain rips your heart out. We never think about any one noticing we are gone. One more lie we tell ourselves. My ego wants to scream, my path teaches me to surrender and accept the Plan is perfect.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
The lessons
I have not been able to write for a while, it has taken me this long to be okay with sharing.. It has been over a year now when I found out we lost another brother. He was intelligent, caring and had a full life ahead of him. Yet, the pain he felt he could not walk through. He decide to go for it one more time and as has happened many many times, that one more time became the last time.
Losing my friend, age 19, is sad. What is more powerful is the ripple effects of his death. We forget when we are using how we affect other people's life's. This time I have seen it up close through his mother's pain and anguish. No person, place or thing will replace her pain. As time moves forward the scar ripping her soul will heal. It will never go away.
It is times like this when it is most difficult to step back and ask what we are to learn from the overdose of a brother. Every time I learn of another addict who has died or is still using I am reminded of where I don't want to be and how quickly I can be where they are. Each one shows me that but for the grace of my Higher Power; I could be loaded again or dead. Through the years I have learned how powerful my disease is. My disease does not visit me very often and when my disease does show up it is more powerful then the last time and envelopes my being and body while it slams me to the ground. What I see is too many who do not have a tool box to carry with them as they walk through day to day living. When the disease shows up; we are powerless without the tool box. If we have not been using the tool box then we fall prey to the power of the disease.
As each moment passes my awareness of how much I do not know becomes self evident. Slowly the layers of existence are peeled away and we are reminded of the oneness binding us together.
Losing my friend, age 19, is sad. What is more powerful is the ripple effects of his death. We forget when we are using how we affect other people's life's. This time I have seen it up close through his mother's pain and anguish. No person, place or thing will replace her pain. As time moves forward the scar ripping her soul will heal. It will never go away.
It is times like this when it is most difficult to step back and ask what we are to learn from the overdose of a brother. Every time I learn of another addict who has died or is still using I am reminded of where I don't want to be and how quickly I can be where they are. Each one shows me that but for the grace of my Higher Power; I could be loaded again or dead. Through the years I have learned how powerful my disease is. My disease does not visit me very often and when my disease does show up it is more powerful then the last time and envelopes my being and body while it slams me to the ground. What I see is too many who do not have a tool box to carry with them as they walk through day to day living. When the disease shows up; we are powerless without the tool box. If we have not been using the tool box then we fall prey to the power of the disease.
As each moment passes my awareness of how much I do not know becomes self evident. Slowly the layers of existence are peeled away and we are reminded of the oneness binding us together.
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