Lies

I learned today that individuals have been spreading the rumor that my wife and I are using. How sad. What is sad is that not one person has come to me and asked and then offered any help. The two people in the world who truly know me, my wife and my sponsor, know the truth about me. For the people who do not know me I have 16 years, 4 months and 7 days clean and sober. My wife also  has about the same amount of  time clean and sober. If I was using or she was using the town we live in would know it. I know for a fact if I was using my wife would come upside my head with a baseball bat and kick me to detox and a recovery program and I would do the same for my wife. 


The Twelfth Step tells us that 'having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we try to carry this message to other addicts and to practice these principles in all of our affairs.' I will work to carry the message everyday to the alcoholic and addict who still suffers. If you have the character defect of dishonesty and lies then my suggestion for you would be to go back to the steps. I have known many people over the years who started using again to make the rumors true. Some of those are no longer with us. They tell us in the program that if we are pointing a finger at another person there are three more pointing back at us and one at God. 


I pray for all of those who have shown 'bad faith' with themselves. The first agreement is to be impeccable with your word. It is about respect. When you respect yourself you will no longer disrespect another person. 

Relapse and Reuse

What is the difference between a relapse and a reuse? When people relapse they continue to use and do not stop until they reach another bottom. People who reuse know that what they are doing is only going to lead to self destruction and possibly death and they stop. They return to meetings, they start to call their sponsor again and they reach out to others in the program.


I have walked through may events through out my recovery, from divorce, to death from natural causes of dear friends to losing people to an overdose. What I was taught early on in my recovery is that 'No matter what, don't pickup'. Sometimes that was the only tenant holding me up, literally and figuratively, and keeping me from using again.


When we internalize our emotions and we don't go to meetings and let others know what is going on with us; those emotions start to eat away at us. The longer they eat away at us the closer we get to relapse or reuse. 


When I spoke to my sponsor yesterday he gave to me to beautiful nuggets of wisdom. The first is 'there are no answers' and the second is 'it's not that complicated'. It goes with the old adage of "keep it simple'. If you have a reuse, pick yourself up and call another addict. We have all been there in our own way. I have never seen anyone who has made it back through the doors of recovery not be given love. What I see is that everyone has been there in their own way and they are grateful another brother or sister is home safe again. We welcome them home with open arms.

Faith

Each day clean and sober the universe continues to teach me. Yesterday morning I saw a young man outside having his morning smoke. It was obvious from looking at him that he was having a rough time of it and that he was at least hung over from the night before. I thanked my Higher Power for reminding me where I can be in a heart beat if I make the decision to pickup again. 


When I first got clean I lived in the delusion that living life clean and sober was going to be smooth and easy. The reality is that it is smooth and easy, however when we are hitting the bumps in the road, that throw us this way and that we forget that, we get to be grateful we are even here on the road. Recently our ride has been filled with deep trenches and many bumps. I get to practice every day to re-member the lessons the Universe is teaching me and that as long as I am breathing and clean it is a great day.


We all have this tool box called recovery. The question of the day is are we taking the tools out an applying them to living our life on life's terms? When we do apply the tools to living life, we get to stay in the now and have the experience and not place the limitations of our Ego's labels on the experience. 

Hokey

When I first got to recovery I kept hearing all of these sayings that 'I' thought were hokey. I went on 'thinking' they were hokey until I noticed one day I was using these sayings. Today I was talking with a friend in recovery and all of those sayings came flooding back to me. The sayings that sound hokey make a whole lot of sense when you are struggling with your ego and disease and you want to go and use. 


My number one saying is the shorten version of the first three steps. "I can't, he/she can, let him/her.
I re-member daily to 'take it easy' and to take it 'A DAY at A TIME'. I told my friend today to 'Stop Thinking' and when we spoke yesterday we spoke about fear and if you have fear you lack faith. 


We have no clue why these sayings work. My personal experience, when I'm holding on to my tail feathers and by the skin of my teeth, is that they work. Our lives depend on it.

Fear

Recently I have seen much fear. I have a friend who had a reuse and he gets to go to court tomorrow. He is afraid. It is okay to have fear the question is what are you going to do about your fear. It starts with saying a prayer, working the first three steps 'Let go, let God, get out of the way' call someone in the program. My sponsor always taught me that if I have a good idea I need to call him and if I have a great idea I need to call three other people in the program. When I talk with my sponsor and call three other people in the program and we discuss my idea we usually decide that at that moment in time I am crazed. 


Fear is your Ego gnawing at you, your disease telling you that the only way out is to take that first drink or that first drug. I listened to Father Martin talking about the first three steps. He said that the more time you get the closer you are to that first drink. Our defense are the steps, our Higher Power and one another. The disease does get stronger as we continue to stay clean and sober. WE also get stronger as we continue to work our program and fill our tool box with more tools that we use daily. 


If you have fear, you lack faith.