Changing

My disease continually amazes me even after all of this time. Intellectually I am not amazed, emotionally I am blown away. I got angry in the car today. I have this belief that the Universe made air particles so that I can scream while in the car. My theory goes that the molecules do not take my yelling personally and they love bouncing around the car. I also followed the next indicated step which is to call my sponsor and talk about how my disease got to me for a nano-second and then we both laugh and relate.

Our disease never leaves. What changes is how we deal with our disease. Do we chose to use again? Or do we call a friend in the program and discuss how truly insane we have become in that moment, which is all it is, a moment, and then get on with our day? Because I have listen to the advice that others, who have stayed clean, I have taken the tools they so freely gave to me and applied them to my recovery and my life. 

It is okay to go through emotions. What is disastrous to us addicts is to use over those emotions. It is important to re-member that the emotions will pass. You using over them will pass also, maybe away.

Foolhardy

I read an article today in the OC Register about a drug bust where they arrested a major Black Tar Heroin Dealer in Los Angeles who was supplying High School and College students in Orange County. The article made it sound like they had removed a major drug supplier from the game. What amazes me is are people that blind? You know and I know that the dealer will be replaced with in 24 hours and there will now be a new 'boss' who is the main supplier.

Addiction is not going to disappear. Arresting people, including dealers is not the solution. We need to educate people especially kids starting in Kindergarten. I read another article that spoke about the 5 signs to look for in your child to see if they are using. The first clue should be your instinct/spirit. IF your spirit is telling you your child, spouse and or significant other is using. Then they are using. I work with families all the time who are killing their children by enabling them to use. They continue to try and 'save' their child. What they do not realize is that the more they try and 'save' their child the more they are killing their child. If I am an addict in active addiction and I know that I still have a life line then I know I still have an out. It isn't until the family finally says 'Enough' that the addict has any hope of getting clean and sober. 

Saying 'Enough' is a difficult concept for people to understand, let alone implement. Yet when they finally draw that line in the sand the game is over. I worked with and individual who would get in trouble, call his parents', they would rescue him, send him to rehab. He would complete rehab, they would get him a car, an apartment and he would get a job. When he got his first paycheck he would get loaded again. It wasn't until they said 'you are on your own' that he went to the Salvation Army for 6 months, got clean and sober and stayed clean and sober.

The Party

I was able to watch the disease this past weekend in full bloom. Some of the people in our neighborhood partied all weekend. They were drinking and smoking marijuana non-stop through out the weekend. The noise level continued to rise each day the more intoxicated they became.

What I was able to see is that the rest of the neighborhood was not getting intoxicated all day all weekend. When I was using I use to think that everyone partied all day everyday. I was amazed, not just surprised, when I got clean and sober to discover that the rest of the world had a life that did not center around drugs and alcohol.

I am grateful for the people who were partying this weekend. They reminded me where we can all be in an instant. Monday morning I was so glad that I did not have what they had and was not waking up a 6AM, hung over strung out and having to drive on the freeway, shaking and baking to go to work all day.

Destruction

Once more my friend is off in never never land. He is still in jail and believes he will be released at the end of August and then marry Sandra Bullock the day after he is released. He appears to be unaware that he must go through a psychiatric evaluation to determine if he is fit to stand trial and the fact that Ms. Bullock is not yet divorced. Additionally, he believes he has been hired by a major NASCAR player. He still has a public defender and there has been no major announcement about his hiring. Also there is the fact that NASCAR at this point in time probably will not even return a phone call, Email or text.

The sad part is that this is where his addiction has taken him. Either he believes what he is selling or that he is trying to get hospitalized to avoid a trial. The reality is that once he is deemed 'sane' he will then go to trail. This is what we do in our addiction. We go until we have destroyed ourselves and everything around us.

What I listen to is the lesson. I do not judge my friend. My belief is that he is placed here in his current position to teach us. The lesson is that for Gods' grace we can be in his spot in a heart beat. We all have post graduate degrees in destroying our life's with drugs and alcohol.

I pray we all learn from our brothers and sisters who continue in their destruction.

Insanity Again

I am no longer amazed at the insanity of our disease and I am continuously amazed at the insanity of our disease. During the past two days I have watched the dance of an addict who says they want to get clean. Right! We made the phone calls and had multiple options available for the individual to detox. They decided to do it at home because they still had some medications they could take to ease their anxiety. However, of course, they ran out of their medication. All of a sudden they were ready to go to detox. At least that is what they said they wanted to do while they dragged on their drama about where to go for detox for a couple of hours. Finally the individual went to the hospital Emergency Room and wait the normal 6 hours to be seen. They are finally seen and given an IV of Ativan. The person finds out that they can not begin Suboxone detox until Tuesday. So they do the next indicated step which is call their dealer in Los Angeles (LA), pull out the IV and start walking to LA. Hey they can party for 3 more days.

The good news is that the mother told the person she was finished and would not support the insanity. How many times have we seen this drama play its self out for us, to numerous to count. As addicts we want it now and waiting is not an option. What that tells me is the person wasn't willing to go to 'any lengths' to get clean.

My prayer is that this individual makes it back alive. We tell ourselves we can go party for 3 more days. That is the lie of the ego and our disease. What we fail to factor in is that we may not make it 3 more days if we keep using. Insanity again.

Perception

We have a disease of perception. As a group or individually we can sell ourselves on any self destructive idea. The idea will make sense at the time of the 'thought' and it isn't until later much later that we ask ourselves WTF was I 'thinking.'

I spoke with a fellow addict today who told me he could make $8K per week growing. He is struggling financially waiting for contracts to be signed. His thinking told him in a brief moment of insanity, which is all it takes, a brief moment, that that is a 'good' idea. After walking himself through the situation, all the way to the end point, he rejected the idea.

Just so I do not come across as 'better than' my brain also thought, for a brief moment, 'just' a brief moment that it was a 'good' idea. The difference today is that I too have learned to walk it all the way through. When WE discussed it We decide that we are both crazed and let go of the 'good' idea.

Faith

Each day when I awake, it takes me a minute to discover where I am again and to let go of my grumpy side, I then stop and thank my HP for another day clean and sober. I saw may people the day after the 4th of July. I did not want what they had and was grateful for them teaching me where my addiction can take me.

The economic downturn has hit us hard as it has everyone. Yet in spite of the lessons that we go through, somehow, someway we always have food, clothing and shelter every day. Our society teaches us to hold on to 'things'. My Buddhist side teaches me non-permanence. Which means no person, no place and no thing lasts forever. The only thing that lasts forever is our spirit.

What I re-member, sometimes minute by minute and at least daily is that it is not about me or you. It is always about the lessons that the Universe is teaching us. If I told you I have this down that would be a lie. I continue to do the footwork and practice a day at a time.

Insanity

My friend who is currently in jail, was showing signs of possible alcohol damage prior to his arrest. He was delusional and not connected with 'reality'. He was living in his own reality, which is what we do when we are using. The judge, according to a source has order a psychiatric evaluation to determine his fitness to stand trail. What is sad is that each of us has been there in their own way. If we continue to push the envelope with our addiction we will end up very very far out there, where ever there is at the time.

I know another individual who is about to become a father. He can not stop using. The other night instead of going home to his pregnant wife he slept in the backyard of his friend on the grass. Again let us be clear. I am not judging him, I am relating to him because like him we have all been there and done that for ourselves. The sad part is that while it is going on it makes absolute sense to us at the time. It is only later, much later, when we come out of our haze that we realize how insane our actions are.

The second step tells us we 'could be restored to sanity'. My second sponsor always told me that as long as we don't drink or use today we have been restored.

My friend is still in jail. What is happening is that they are going to have him evaluated to make a determination if he is competent to stand trail. If he is not then he will be placed in a mental ward until said time that he is deemed competent to stand trail. The lesson in all of this is that if we continue to push the envelop sooner or later the body will give out. Our addiction will catch up to us.

I remember waking up one day and realizing that my addiction, not only had taken over my life, it was destroying my life. I was down to two options; get clean or use until I die. That is what we do to ourselves until we come to and wake up except sometimes it is too late. I pray it is not too late for my friend. He keeps trying to get back. You can not 'TRY' recovery. You either do recovery or you keep using. There is no grey area.

How bad do you want to live today?