Lies

I learned today that individuals have been spreading the rumor that my wife and I are using. How sad. What is sad is that not one person has come to me and asked and then offered any help. The two people in the world who truly know me, my wife and my sponsor, know the truth about me. For the people who do not know me I have 16 years, 4 months and 7 days clean and sober. My wife also  has about the same amount of  time clean and sober. If I was using or she was using the town we live in would know it. I know for a fact if I was using my wife would come upside my head with a baseball bat and kick me to detox and a recovery program and I would do the same for my wife. 


The Twelfth Step tells us that 'having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we try to carry this message to other addicts and to practice these principles in all of our affairs.' I will work to carry the message everyday to the alcoholic and addict who still suffers. If you have the character defect of dishonesty and lies then my suggestion for you would be to go back to the steps. I have known many people over the years who started using again to make the rumors true. Some of those are no longer with us. They tell us in the program that if we are pointing a finger at another person there are three more pointing back at us and one at God. 


I pray for all of those who have shown 'bad faith' with themselves. The first agreement is to be impeccable with your word. It is about respect. When you respect yourself you will no longer disrespect another person. 

Relapse and Reuse

What is the difference between a relapse and a reuse? When people relapse they continue to use and do not stop until they reach another bottom. People who reuse know that what they are doing is only going to lead to self destruction and possibly death and they stop. They return to meetings, they start to call their sponsor again and they reach out to others in the program.


I have walked through may events through out my recovery, from divorce, to death from natural causes of dear friends to losing people to an overdose. What I was taught early on in my recovery is that 'No matter what, don't pickup'. Sometimes that was the only tenant holding me up, literally and figuratively, and keeping me from using again.


When we internalize our emotions and we don't go to meetings and let others know what is going on with us; those emotions start to eat away at us. The longer they eat away at us the closer we get to relapse or reuse. 


When I spoke to my sponsor yesterday he gave to me to beautiful nuggets of wisdom. The first is 'there are no answers' and the second is 'it's not that complicated'. It goes with the old adage of "keep it simple'. If you have a reuse, pick yourself up and call another addict. We have all been there in our own way. I have never seen anyone who has made it back through the doors of recovery not be given love. What I see is that everyone has been there in their own way and they are grateful another brother or sister is home safe again. We welcome them home with open arms.

Faith

Each day clean and sober the universe continues to teach me. Yesterday morning I saw a young man outside having his morning smoke. It was obvious from looking at him that he was having a rough time of it and that he was at least hung over from the night before. I thanked my Higher Power for reminding me where I can be in a heart beat if I make the decision to pickup again. 


When I first got clean I lived in the delusion that living life clean and sober was going to be smooth and easy. The reality is that it is smooth and easy, however when we are hitting the bumps in the road, that throw us this way and that we forget that, we get to be grateful we are even here on the road. Recently our ride has been filled with deep trenches and many bumps. I get to practice every day to re-member the lessons the Universe is teaching me and that as long as I am breathing and clean it is a great day.


We all have this tool box called recovery. The question of the day is are we taking the tools out an applying them to living our life on life's terms? When we do apply the tools to living life, we get to stay in the now and have the experience and not place the limitations of our Ego's labels on the experience. 

Hokey

When I first got to recovery I kept hearing all of these sayings that 'I' thought were hokey. I went on 'thinking' they were hokey until I noticed one day I was using these sayings. Today I was talking with a friend in recovery and all of those sayings came flooding back to me. The sayings that sound hokey make a whole lot of sense when you are struggling with your ego and disease and you want to go and use. 


My number one saying is the shorten version of the first three steps. "I can't, he/she can, let him/her.
I re-member daily to 'take it easy' and to take it 'A DAY at A TIME'. I told my friend today to 'Stop Thinking' and when we spoke yesterday we spoke about fear and if you have fear you lack faith. 


We have no clue why these sayings work. My personal experience, when I'm holding on to my tail feathers and by the skin of my teeth, is that they work. Our lives depend on it.

Fear

Recently I have seen much fear. I have a friend who had a reuse and he gets to go to court tomorrow. He is afraid. It is okay to have fear the question is what are you going to do about your fear. It starts with saying a prayer, working the first three steps 'Let go, let God, get out of the way' call someone in the program. My sponsor always taught me that if I have a good idea I need to call him and if I have a great idea I need to call three other people in the program. When I talk with my sponsor and call three other people in the program and we discuss my idea we usually decide that at that moment in time I am crazed. 


Fear is your Ego gnawing at you, your disease telling you that the only way out is to take that first drink or that first drug. I listened to Father Martin talking about the first three steps. He said that the more time you get the closer you are to that first drink. Our defense are the steps, our Higher Power and one another. The disease does get stronger as we continue to stay clean and sober. WE also get stronger as we continue to work our program and fill our tool box with more tools that we use daily. 


If you have fear, you lack faith.  

Drunk Driving

One key to recovery is accepting responsibility for our actions. Just because your are and addict/alcoholic your behavior is not justified. There is a saying 'if you do the crime, you do the time' yet some how we forget this. Mr. Gallo was convicted today of 3 counts of second degree murder; gross bodily injury, driving on a suspended  license and one felony count of hit and run. His actions killed three people, Nick Adenhart, Courtney Stuart and Nigel Person. He cut short the lives of three young people just starting on their journey and caused a former Cal State baseball player John Wilhite severe damage. I remember that there but for God's grace go you or I. We have no excuse. Mr. Gallo has 2 prior DUI's and had attended alcohol classes as part of his probation and signed a sworn statement in court that drinking and driving could be fatal. He knew the consequences of drinking and driving. 


The reality is it is not okay to know the consequences. You have a responsibility to change your actions. You can either stop drinking, 'what a concept', or take a cab. There is no excuse for drinking and then getting behind the wheel of a vehicle. I will continue to pray for all the people involved in this tragic accident. Mr. Gallo should be put away for life in my book. Maybe one day he will 'come to' and realize the destruction he has rendered in his selfishness. Maybe then he will reach out to others and be of service to them.

Another one

I got a call last night, the kind of call that after being in recovery for sometime and working in the treatment industry you come to expect, which is sad. A young man, college student, brilliant and caring is no longer with us. He went through treatment, reading  his physics books and did everything we asked him to do except to stay a little longer. From the outside he looked like a conservative walking down the street, a normal looking straight arrow kind of kid. His insides were torn up from the life he had been through. Apparently he tried it one more time. Sadly his parents found him dead in the bathroom the next morning.

This is what we do to ourselves. Our ego tells us we can't take the pain, that life isn't worth living clean and sober so we go for it one more time. Over the years that I have been clean and sober my ego has taught me many lessons. The number one lesson is that my ego is lying to me. When my ego shows up I call my sponsor or someone else in the program. I work my steps and I go to a meeting. At the meeting I announce to the group that my ego/disease has shown up one more time. My ego/disease does not like my sponsor, the steps or a meeting.

I pray everyday that we do not have to lose another person to this disease. My cell phone number is 949.510.3845. Call me 24/7 before you pickup. I would rather be awaken at 4AM because you don't want to get loaded than at 4AM to find out you aren't with us any more.

Clean Again

I have a few friends that have relapsed and or had a reuse and have saddled back up into recovery. I am grateful they are still with us today. What is great to see and experience is the freshness of gratitude in someone newly clean. It is important for me to hear, once more, that using has not gotten any better out there. The one friend drank and the same day ended up in jail. The other friend drank and lost her housing and her job in a short time frame. I have heard and seen that story over and over again. 


The one friend, thought, her first clue, that she could drink normally. That lasted a minute. The other friend was angry so he was going to show how angry he was by destroying himself. That is what we do to ourselves. We are upset with another so we hurt ourselves. The sad part is the person we are using at has no clue we are angry. 


During the minute or two that I have been clean and sober I have learned how powerful my addiction is and that it has one goal which is to kill me. My disease wears many hats, will show up out of nowhere and will tell me what ever lie it thinks will get me to pick up again. When that happens I say a prayer, work the first three steps and call a fellow addict. When we talk about my idea, we decide that I am crazy and that we need to go in another direction.

Trying

I keep running into people and talking with people who tell me they are trying to quit. That is the lie we tell ourselves when we want to perpetrate our continued use. The below the line is you are using or you are not using. One does not try to stop you stop period. What many fail  to recognize is that by ourselves there is no stopping. Each day will bring a new lie as to why we can put off stopping until tomorrow. However tomorrow never arrives. Together, as one, we can get clean and sober. We reach out and talk with another alcoholic and addict who has been where we are and understands what we are going through. Additionally they can share with us their experience, strength and hope. 


I have learned over the years that I either use or don't use. There is no in-between for me. Today I chose not to use. Just today, I make no promises about tomorrow. I will be the best that I can be today, one day at a time. It is important that we start with respecting ourselves. When we start to respect ourselves we will no longer lie to us which in-turn means we will not lie to one another.

Excuses

We as addicts are pros at making excuses for our addiction and continued use. What amazes me is how we will get angry with someone then use that as a reason to use.  The way we perceive things we tell ourselves "I am angry at you, so I am going to hurt me." That is the level of insanity that we reach when we are deep into our addiction. Over the years I have paid attention to what happens when  one of us has a reuse. Inevitably the Universe reminds us immediately that we have a problem.

I have a friend who got angry and decided to drink again. He went an purchased food and was sitting in his car, keys in the ignition, eating. He was arrested for a DUI. This was the same day that he drank. I have heard this scenario over and over again. 

One of the things my friend shared with me is that he 'thought' that he had beat his disease 'forever.' When we spoke about it I shared that if I had to stay clean and sober forever I wouldn't make it and that I stayed clean and sober just today. 

When I first got clean and sober, if they had told me I had to stay clean and sober forever, I would not have  made it. My mind at the time would have 'thought' that that is way too long of a time frame. All that we have is today, just today. Tomorrow is another story.

The Dragon

I watched a friend yesterday strung out one more time. He is no longer Hip, Slick or Cool. He is 39 a new father and he has older children. The sad part is he doesn't want to change and is playing the  'poor me' card. We have all been there where we do not care about any person, place or thing other than our next fix. I pray for our friend because I am not sure he will make it back and or forward to living life. 


I have been clean and sober a minute or two and in that time I have seen more people not make it than make it. The dragon is always with us and the dragons breathe is a powerful aphrodisiac. It seduces us into thinking we can drink and use like 'normal' people. My first question to myself is 'Why would I want to do that?' drink and use like a 'normal person. You know and I know that if we are drinking and or using it is going to be hell bent for death.


We spoke to a friend who's bottom came when he was thrown off of a 3 story parking garage. He no longer has the use of his one eye and he is alive. He now has 2 years and 4 months clean and  sober. I will continue to pray for our friend who is still using and work to set up an intervention and treatment for him. The sad part is he may not be ready to change.

Head in the Sand

I watch daily as families put their head in the sand and take a long journey down a river in Egypt called denial. Meanwhile addicts in their active addiction are on the same trip. Neither party is aware that they are lost in a sea of despair and death. Neither side has any idea what the other is going through. The family, wife, significant other wants the addicted back in their life. At times they are so afraid of not having them in their life they will allow the insane behavior of the addict to continue in the bad faith illusion of 'still being together' which in reality only reinforces their continued use. 


Addicts play on this dynamic, out of the lie, to continue using. Stopping appears as a non-option for them. The hope for the family is they will get their heads out of denial, set a boundary and no longer support the addict in their insanity. The addict will do one of four things, they will get arrested, go to a mental institution, die or get clean. There is no in-between.


If we continue to cosign the insanity of addiction then all we will get back is insanity. We are all responsible for our choices. We can chose to live or chose to die. 

Time

I received a gift yesterday. A mother who lost a son to an overdose sent me a picture of her youngest son. He is finally coming up on 9 months clean and sober. He has been in treatment the entire time. The change in him physically is amazing. He goes from looking like a emaciated little kid to a grown man. 


His brother was not as lucky. He had everything going for him. He was going to meetings, had a sponsor, was working the steps and being of service to others. He was also about to turn pro as an extreme wrestler. One night after work he decided to go for it one more time. He started drinking and then moved on to the real 'stuff'. We found him dead in his room the next morning.


What was far worse than finding him dead was the next day when his family came to collect his things. I felt like my heart was being ripped out and eaten in front of me. His parents, brother and grandmother were beyond devastation. 


We never think of the ripples in the pond when we use. We are looking for the good time, not the look on our parents, friends, significant others faces when they are told we have overdosed. Remember the ripples the next time you want to use.

Treatment Design

We are developing a new treatment program. We are looking for videos, anonymous or not,  telling your stories of recovery. If you are interested contact me at docsunhawk@gmail.com and we will send you a release form.

Grow up

It galls me to see an addict who is a 'movie' star treated differently then the rest of us. There is an old saying 'if you do the crime you must do the time.' If you or I were told to go to drug classes or Outpatient treatment and we had 3 years to get it done or we were going back to jail; it would be done. This would be in spite of possibly still using while doing the class. The judge would have locked us up on the first violation, not 3 years later with multiple chances. I have been to drug court and watched as individuals were arrested on the spot and taken to jail. 


At some point in our addiction we get to grow up and to take responsibility for our actions. We can not blame any one else nor can we whine about the outcome. We do it to our selves. I will pray for the person who may or may not get released from jail in the next day or two. I will pray that they get it and don't die of an overdose. When you are in a bag at the coroners no one cares who you 'thought' you were.

Changing

My disease continually amazes me even after all of this time. Intellectually I am not amazed, emotionally I am blown away. I got angry in the car today. I have this belief that the Universe made air particles so that I can scream while in the car. My theory goes that the molecules do not take my yelling personally and they love bouncing around the car. I also followed the next indicated step which is to call my sponsor and talk about how my disease got to me for a nano-second and then we both laugh and relate.

Our disease never leaves. What changes is how we deal with our disease. Do we chose to use again? Or do we call a friend in the program and discuss how truly insane we have become in that moment, which is all it is, a moment, and then get on with our day? Because I have listen to the advice that others, who have stayed clean, I have taken the tools they so freely gave to me and applied them to my recovery and my life. 

It is okay to go through emotions. What is disastrous to us addicts is to use over those emotions. It is important to re-member that the emotions will pass. You using over them will pass also, maybe away.

Foolhardy

I read an article today in the OC Register about a drug bust where they arrested a major Black Tar Heroin Dealer in Los Angeles who was supplying High School and College students in Orange County. The article made it sound like they had removed a major drug supplier from the game. What amazes me is are people that blind? You know and I know that the dealer will be replaced with in 24 hours and there will now be a new 'boss' who is the main supplier.

Addiction is not going to disappear. Arresting people, including dealers is not the solution. We need to educate people especially kids starting in Kindergarten. I read another article that spoke about the 5 signs to look for in your child to see if they are using. The first clue should be your instinct/spirit. IF your spirit is telling you your child, spouse and or significant other is using. Then they are using. I work with families all the time who are killing their children by enabling them to use. They continue to try and 'save' their child. What they do not realize is that the more they try and 'save' their child the more they are killing their child. If I am an addict in active addiction and I know that I still have a life line then I know I still have an out. It isn't until the family finally says 'Enough' that the addict has any hope of getting clean and sober. 

Saying 'Enough' is a difficult concept for people to understand, let alone implement. Yet when they finally draw that line in the sand the game is over. I worked with and individual who would get in trouble, call his parents', they would rescue him, send him to rehab. He would complete rehab, they would get him a car, an apartment and he would get a job. When he got his first paycheck he would get loaded again. It wasn't until they said 'you are on your own' that he went to the Salvation Army for 6 months, got clean and sober and stayed clean and sober.

The Party

I was able to watch the disease this past weekend in full bloom. Some of the people in our neighborhood partied all weekend. They were drinking and smoking marijuana non-stop through out the weekend. The noise level continued to rise each day the more intoxicated they became.

What I was able to see is that the rest of the neighborhood was not getting intoxicated all day all weekend. When I was using I use to think that everyone partied all day everyday. I was amazed, not just surprised, when I got clean and sober to discover that the rest of the world had a life that did not center around drugs and alcohol.

I am grateful for the people who were partying this weekend. They reminded me where we can all be in an instant. Monday morning I was so glad that I did not have what they had and was not waking up a 6AM, hung over strung out and having to drive on the freeway, shaking and baking to go to work all day.

Destruction

Once more my friend is off in never never land. He is still in jail and believes he will be released at the end of August and then marry Sandra Bullock the day after he is released. He appears to be unaware that he must go through a psychiatric evaluation to determine if he is fit to stand trial and the fact that Ms. Bullock is not yet divorced. Additionally, he believes he has been hired by a major NASCAR player. He still has a public defender and there has been no major announcement about his hiring. Also there is the fact that NASCAR at this point in time probably will not even return a phone call, Email or text.

The sad part is that this is where his addiction has taken him. Either he believes what he is selling or that he is trying to get hospitalized to avoid a trial. The reality is that once he is deemed 'sane' he will then go to trail. This is what we do in our addiction. We go until we have destroyed ourselves and everything around us.

What I listen to is the lesson. I do not judge my friend. My belief is that he is placed here in his current position to teach us. The lesson is that for Gods' grace we can be in his spot in a heart beat. We all have post graduate degrees in destroying our life's with drugs and alcohol.

I pray we all learn from our brothers and sisters who continue in their destruction.

Insanity Again

I am no longer amazed at the insanity of our disease and I am continuously amazed at the insanity of our disease. During the past two days I have watched the dance of an addict who says they want to get clean. Right! We made the phone calls and had multiple options available for the individual to detox. They decided to do it at home because they still had some medications they could take to ease their anxiety. However, of course, they ran out of their medication. All of a sudden they were ready to go to detox. At least that is what they said they wanted to do while they dragged on their drama about where to go for detox for a couple of hours. Finally the individual went to the hospital Emergency Room and wait the normal 6 hours to be seen. They are finally seen and given an IV of Ativan. The person finds out that they can not begin Suboxone detox until Tuesday. So they do the next indicated step which is call their dealer in Los Angeles (LA), pull out the IV and start walking to LA. Hey they can party for 3 more days.

The good news is that the mother told the person she was finished and would not support the insanity. How many times have we seen this drama play its self out for us, to numerous to count. As addicts we want it now and waiting is not an option. What that tells me is the person wasn't willing to go to 'any lengths' to get clean.

My prayer is that this individual makes it back alive. We tell ourselves we can go party for 3 more days. That is the lie of the ego and our disease. What we fail to factor in is that we may not make it 3 more days if we keep using. Insanity again.

Perception

We have a disease of perception. As a group or individually we can sell ourselves on any self destructive idea. The idea will make sense at the time of the 'thought' and it isn't until later much later that we ask ourselves WTF was I 'thinking.'

I spoke with a fellow addict today who told me he could make $8K per week growing. He is struggling financially waiting for contracts to be signed. His thinking told him in a brief moment of insanity, which is all it takes, a brief moment, that that is a 'good' idea. After walking himself through the situation, all the way to the end point, he rejected the idea.

Just so I do not come across as 'better than' my brain also thought, for a brief moment, 'just' a brief moment that it was a 'good' idea. The difference today is that I too have learned to walk it all the way through. When WE discussed it We decide that we are both crazed and let go of the 'good' idea.

Faith

Each day when I awake, it takes me a minute to discover where I am again and to let go of my grumpy side, I then stop and thank my HP for another day clean and sober. I saw may people the day after the 4th of July. I did not want what they had and was grateful for them teaching me where my addiction can take me.

The economic downturn has hit us hard as it has everyone. Yet in spite of the lessons that we go through, somehow, someway we always have food, clothing and shelter every day. Our society teaches us to hold on to 'things'. My Buddhist side teaches me non-permanence. Which means no person, no place and no thing lasts forever. The only thing that lasts forever is our spirit.

What I re-member, sometimes minute by minute and at least daily is that it is not about me or you. It is always about the lessons that the Universe is teaching us. If I told you I have this down that would be a lie. I continue to do the footwork and practice a day at a time.

Insanity

My friend who is currently in jail, was showing signs of possible alcohol damage prior to his arrest. He was delusional and not connected with 'reality'. He was living in his own reality, which is what we do when we are using. The judge, according to a source has order a psychiatric evaluation to determine his fitness to stand trail. What is sad is that each of us has been there in their own way. If we continue to push the envelope with our addiction we will end up very very far out there, where ever there is at the time.

I know another individual who is about to become a father. He can not stop using. The other night instead of going home to his pregnant wife he slept in the backyard of his friend on the grass. Again let us be clear. I am not judging him, I am relating to him because like him we have all been there and done that for ourselves. The sad part is that while it is going on it makes absolute sense to us at the time. It is only later, much later, when we come out of our haze that we realize how insane our actions are.

The second step tells us we 'could be restored to sanity'. My second sponsor always told me that as long as we don't drink or use today we have been restored.

My friend is still in jail. What is happening is that they are going to have him evaluated to make a determination if he is competent to stand trail. If he is not then he will be placed in a mental ward until said time that he is deemed competent to stand trail. The lesson in all of this is that if we continue to push the envelop sooner or later the body will give out. Our addiction will catch up to us.

I remember waking up one day and realizing that my addiction, not only had taken over my life, it was destroying my life. I was down to two options; get clean or use until I die. That is what we do to ourselves until we come to and wake up except sometimes it is too late. I pray it is not too late for my friend. He keeps trying to get back. You can not 'TRY' recovery. You either do recovery or you keep using. There is no grey area.

How bad do you want to live today?

Help

We received a call today for an individual that needs detox. The problem is he has no money. Why as a society if an individual wants help, needs help is entitled to being help they can not get the help they need? When we had our sober living house we would give beds away to help someone who was willing to do the footwork and start to pay us back. Many times they weren't able to pay us back and they were able to get back on their feet all because someone was willing to reach out a hand. About the only place you can do that today is the Salvation Army and Brother Benno's in Oceanside, CA and Charlie Street in Costa Mesa.

I pray there are others. However, if you are coming off prescription drugs and or alcohol, in many cases you need a medical detox. Try and get one, at least in California. We are all on this planet together, no matter how important we think we are, we are one. There for the grace of your Higher Power, go you or I.

Isn't about time we start to give a damn about other people? Let me know what you think

Doc

Faith

By the grace of God I have been clean and sober over 16 years now. The Universe has seen fit to allow me to continue to be of service one day at a time. There have been many lessons over the years. One of the most important is to always have faith and to be careful what you ask for from your Higher Power. The entire time I have been clean and sober the Universe has always provided me with food, clothing and shelter.

Yesterday my wife, Rose, was saying the she probably would not receive the regiment coin that had been promised to her by the Battalion Leader. Today I receive a call from an Ensign from the Battalion and he wants directions to our house so that he may drop off the coin.

Each day I stay grateful for the small things, such as breathing and being clean. If we are not breathing and we are not clean nothing else will matter. All of my sponsors have taught me to do the footwork starting with the first step daily. When we do the footwork and stay on our path it is amazing how incredible life is.

Therapeutic Value

There have been so many times during my recovery when by picking up the phone, going to a meeting, talking with my sponsor or helping another addict. What ever problem 'I thought' I had was no longer a problem. I have learned that by myself I am a dangerous person. My idea will be to wreck havoc and chaos upon the land. That will be my best thinking which is what got me here in the first place. When I reach out and talk with another addict WE decide that I am totally crazy at that moment in time and then WE have a good laugh at our insanity.

I read today about a Doctor who when his wife told him he was drinking too much at home, he took his alcohol to the office and drank there. According to him it made perfect sense to him. We have a disease of perception. We have an Ego that will tell us that when we take a revolver, fill all the chambers with bullets, put the gun to our head and pull the trigger, nothing will happen to us because we are invincible.

My recovery has taught me to pick up the phone, go to a meeting, call my sponsor or reach out my hand to a fellow addict. If WE do his one day at a time we might make it through that one day clean and sober.

16

I turned 16 years clean and sober yesterday. I am grateful to be alive. 16 years ago I could barely walk or talk. I did not know which planet I was on and I did not care as long as a got the next fix. I had lost every 'thing', my house, my company, my wife and most of my stuff. What I had lost the most was me. I no longer had me. I had arrived at a crossroad in my using. There were two options and no more BS gray areas. Option one was to use until I died and option two was to get clean. There was no in between for me at that place in time.

The last glass bowl of meth that I smoked should have killed me. My belief is that God let me live. I am forever grateful for my life today.

We are all proof that we can stay clean a day at a time. The only requirement is a desire to stay clean.

Unconditional

We all get caught up in the illusion of love. We are bombarded daily with how we should look, the type of car we should drive, the clothes we should wear and the type of house we should have. The list can go on forever of all the should's that we need in order to be accepted. The 'should's' ring shallow. Because no matter what you do or what you have there will always be someone who has done more and has more than you.

The question of the day is can you be okay just the way that you are warts and all?No one is perfect. I had all of the 'stuff' and was not happy in my addiction. Today I have no-thing and I am happy. My wife for a long while was very sick and almost died. The lesson was about true unconditional love. It was not about how 'good' she looked or how 'sexy' she is or even how 'smart' she is. At that moment we were stripped down to the core of our spirits, our moment of truth; what mattered was our love. Our love has no conditions on it.

The difficult part as addicts in recovery is learning to love ourselves unconditionally. The process is one of accepting are character defects and through the steps learning to change. Each year of my recovery has been one where the onion layers are peeled away. The Universe continues to teach me that we can all be more real, honest and unconditionally loving.

Friday

I got to speak at a Friday night meeting this past Friday. It was a lesson. The most noticeable issue was that there were only two other people in the meeting who got to recovery before I did. The other side is that many people who came into recovery after me, are still here. That shows me that it still works. The thing that amazed me the most, is that after the meeting was over everyone left and only 4 of us stayed to pickup chairs. Sometimes that is how recovery is these days. Many of the kids that were there that night are young, very young. What is beautiful is they are enthusiastic about recovery. They are seeing what I saw when I got clean and sober which is that you can have fun, laugh and have a life.

When we hit bottom, many of us lose everything. What we really lose is ourselves. You can get 'stuff' back. If you don't get you back then all the 'stuff' doesn't matter and you can lose the 'stuff' and you in a heart beat.

I am grateful to be clean today.

When I was using I didn't get to do anything except get loaded. At no point did I ever question my sanity. I thought everyone was using 24/7 and I saw nothing wrong with being in the bathroom at 3AM trying to weld together three broken glass pipes in order to make one pipe that worked. The stories of our insanity go on and on. However if you can stand back and stop using for a simple 24 hours you might one day laugh at how crazed you were. You might begin to recognize that you 'came to' and that as long as you don't drink or use today you have been restored to 'sanity'.

Today I get to talk with the mom who raised me. I get to go food shopping and spend time with my wife. I don't have to do anything. I can chose to get loaded and go back to not getting to do anything.

Each moment is precious. Be grateful for all the moments that you get to have.

One

When I awake every morning I re-member that I am an addict and get to begin my day by giving my will and my life over to God. When I do that my day is so much easier. If I told you that I have that all down after almost 16 years clean and sober. That would be a lie. What we all do is receive a daily reprieve from our addiction and we practice doing the footwork each day to maintain our recovery.

I have watched too many people over the years not work their recovery daily. When we forget for even a nano-second that we are addicts that is when our Ego's and our disease, hand in hand will stop by and say to us 'you can do just one.' Again I have seen too many people, our teachers, who did just one and never came back.

Grateful for today

Today we have a life. We got to have a yard sale, meet new people and laugh. What didn't happen is we did not wake up in a jail cell in an Orange Jumpsuit like a friend of mine. We didn't come to and not know where we are or how we arrived there. We weren't blinded by the bright orange suits and we didn't have to eat bologna sandwiches. We don't have people walking around in uniforms telling us when to get up, when to use the bathroom and when to go to sleep; who are carrying loaded weapons. We aren't walking around worrying about an insane crazed cell mate who threatens to kill us today.

We are grateful we aren't living that nightmare. At the same time I have no delusions that but for Gods grace that could be us. I do not walk around thinking I am better than anyone else. Any level of Ego can get me loaded. If we get loaded then we seriously risk waking up seeing orange and eating bologna sandwiches. Just for today.

The Bottom

We all have a different bottom. Mine was when I realized that I had two choices. They were to die or live and get clean. All of the grey areas and lies were gone. I have seen many addicts over the years with many different bottoms. Some are high bottoms where they have not lost much of who they are and then low bottoms where they have completely lost who they are as a person.

I am sad tonight because I am watching a dear friend crash from up over the arc, the space where we leave the pull of gravity and enter outer space. He now has to fall all the way to earth and I am not sure he will not burn up as he reenters the atmosphere. He may have done so much damage to himself through his alcohol and drug use that he will never get back.

Unfortunately that is what we do to ourselves and of course to all the others in our life that we never think about. What I re-member each day is that it is all a gift and that each of us is a student and teacher. As I stated before I do not judge, I work to be the student learning from the teacher. Is everyone listening to the message?

Perception

We have a disease of perception. My brain will tell me that the next indicated step is a brilliant idea. My sponsor has taught me that if 'I' 'think' that I have a 'good' idea I need to call him and that if I think I have a great idea I need to call 3 other fellow addicts and ask them what they think of my great idea. Usually when WE discuss my 'great idea' WE decide that I am crazy.

My friend is still in deep trouble. However we are doing the footwork. We have seen too many people recently who are jumping on the band wagon of guilty without a trail by his peers. Should anyone of us, because of our addiction, end up in jail with serious charges against us, my prayer would be that we are presumed innocent until proven guilty.

Again that disease of perception keeps showing up for us. I do not judge my friend. Friendship is forever, not just a fleeting thought for the moment.

Drugs gone wild

My friend was arrested again the other day. He made it out of jail but a few hours and we all know how difficult it is to score drugs when you get out of jail at 1AM in the morning. Especially in Santa Ana California. The sad part is my friend needs help and at the same time he is facing serious charges that may result in extensive prison time.

It always saddens me when I see another brother or sister that may have completely destroyed their life because of their addiction to drugs and alcohol. What I re-member daily is that but for our Higher Powers' grace go you or I.

What I look for are the lessons. First is to love unconditionally. The second is not judge and the third is to learn from the experience. We are all students and we are all teachers.

'Normal'

We have a friend who is a major in the Marines. He is in Afghanistan fighting for our freedom. May we pray for him this Memorial Day and all the soldiers around the world who make this day possible. I bring up my friend on this blog because he is 'normal'. He will have a drink every once in awhile. A while for him could be a month or two. When I was drinking and using a nano-second of not using was a long time. When I first got clean and sober I was amazed that 95% of the population or more was not using 24 hours per day, 7 days a week and 365 days of the year. That thought was beyond my comprehension. Today, in spite of my addiction I no longer understand why we 'think' we need to put something in our bodies to have 'fun'. There are many people who will wake up tomorrow hungover and or strung out. What I am grateful for is that as long as I don't pick up the rest of today, then should my Higher Power see fit to have me here tomorrow, I will not be waking up asking myself, "Where am I, how did I get here, where is my car and who are you?

May you have a blessed day.

Tools

I have had long talks recently about listening to my spirit and the battle when my ego shows up and wants to destroy my day. What I have learned is to step back and listen to my spirit and to pray for a loving thought. When we do that it is difficult for and delusion of 'control' to be ruining another moment by taking us out of the moment.

As my recovery has evolved I recognize that chaos no longer excites me and anger is an emotion that leaves me strung out. These two events hold no weight for me. It is only when we let go of our egos and are of service to others that we become free and are filled with the light of the Universe.

Through daily practice, moments of extreme connectedness with my Higher Power come about. Those moments are precious and I embrace them.

We all have the tools to stay clean and sober today. If we do not apply them we may not be here should tomorrow get here.

Spirit

I have watched people come into recovery all beat up, stomped and fearful. None of us know how to live clean and sober. It is a 'daily reprieve from active addiction' that we are all granted. My experience is that people who, no matter how raged or twisted, slowly change through the steps.

Many people who were fools when they were using, once they get clean are still fools. The below the line is how bad do you want to get clean. Are you willing to do what ever it takes to get clean and sober? Or are you only going to 'try' it out?

One does not 'try' out recovery. You are in recovery or you are not. There is no in between for us. My life begins with the first step. If I do not continue to left, right, left then my ego will keep me stuck in the past and the misery that we so quickly create. My life today has every thing to do with recovery and no-thing to do with recovery. My spirit leads me.

Ask your self ' if the program disappears tomorrow' are you going to still stay clean and sober and follow your spiritual path? Are you still going to listen to your spirit and be of service to others.

Insanity

The definition of insanity for an addict is doing the same thing over and over again and then expecting different results. We will hit our head until it is bloody on a wall. We will then go to the hospital, get our head patched up, then we will run back to the wall and start banging our head against it again.

I spoke with another addict today who is coming out of jail for the umpteenth time. If I had a penny for all of us who have done the same thing we would all be rich. I have worked with individuals who have come to in the hospital, pulled out all of the tubes, then headed back to to liquor store and or their dealer.

Any time we 'think' that we can handle our disease one more time. We might as well lay Russian Roulette with a completely loaded weapon. The way we think We would tell ourselves that the gun won't go off and then when it does we would blame the gun, just like we blame the disease.

Each day I am amazed at the level of self destruction we take ourselves to in our addiction. At some level we have a sense of the chaos and harm to others that we are doing through our drug and alcohol level. Yet we do not care about ourselves let alone anyone else.

Recovery is a slow journey in learning self love through our love and compassion for others. When we get out of self and realize that 'we are not who we thought we are' then we can begin the healing process.

We take each day a step at a time in learning to love and to be loved.

We forget that our addictions have ripple effects on our families and the people around us. The sad part is that not only is the individual addicted so is the family. The family keeps trying to 'save' their family member. What many families end up doing is loving the addict to death. This disease will kill you eventually, or send you to jail or to an institution. It becomes necessary for all of us to learn to set clear boundaries to the addict in active addiction. If we do not do that otherwise; we may be signing their death certificate.

As a family member you get to get help yourself. Get your self to an Al-anon meeting. What you will learn like all addicts is that you are not alone.

Fools on the Hill

I watched another brother lost in his disease yesterday. The smell of death was all around him. When we tell the first lie to ourselves the lies to others are easy. I know that people die from the disease. What is sad is the we can make a choice to stop we can reach out to one another.

My friend was arrested doing 120 mph down the freeway. Once more he broke out in handcuffs. He is a beautiful teacher. Through him we learn what not to do and to have unconditional love for others. We are all students we are all teachers.